


But I Continue Learning

by HandleWithCare



Series: Gus and Rusty Navigating Communication [2]
Category: Major Crimes (TV)
Genre: Light Angst, M/M, References to Rusty's past, a bit of kissing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-28
Updated: 2018-04-28
Packaged: 2019-04-28 20:06:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14456763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HandleWithCare/pseuds/HandleWithCare
Summary: "No one likes dating."Gus has something he needs to confess to Rusty.





	But I Continue Learning

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone!! I feel like I start all of my updates with apologizing for not updating sooner, but I was very busy over the last month. I will have much more time to write after the semester ends, though. Here is the third installment of this series. This one takes place a few days after the second part, so, this part will definitely make more sense if you read the second part first.
> 
> Constructive criticism and suggestions for future parts of this series or other stories are always appreciated. I was also wondering if I should incorporate other Major Crimes characters into future parts of this series, so let me know if you think that would be a good idea.
> 
> You can find me on tumblr @ say-youll-be-there :)

Gus paced back and forth across his carpet for what felt like the thousandth time. At this rate, he was going to wear it down. He couldn’t do that, though. He hadn’t been living here that long and he was renting. He already had a feeling that the landlord didn’t like him, so he didn’t want to give him any ammunition by putting permanent footprints in the carpet.

He moved to his couch and plopped down onto it. Rusty was on his way over to spend the night. It wasn’t often they got to spend nights together anymore, especially weekends. Gus’ job was pretty demanding, but he loved it and couldn’t imagine himself doing anything else. He only got weekends off once every few months, so he really wanted to make the most of that time with Rusty.

It definitely helped that they were at Gus’ place tonight. It wasn’t that he didn’t love Sharon and Rusty’s condo and it definitely wasn’t that he didn’t love Sharon. He loved Sharon. He really did. She was a badass take-no-shit kind of person with a huge heart, an amazing mother to Rusty, and had quickly become a second mother to him. But, her hectic work schedule made it hard to decipher when she would walk through the door to find Gus and Rusty cuddling or doing, well, something more than cuddling. It hasn’t happened yet, but, sometimes, a first time for everything isn’t always a positive. Spending nights at Gus’ place took away that worry and, in general, allowed them to have complete and total privacy.

That thought reminded him of what he had been pacing over. He had told Rusty a few days ago that he wanted to talk to him about something. He had been honest with Rusty when he said it wasn’t really bad, but he still wasn’t sure how Rusty was going to react.

He wasn’t used to this. It’s weird. When they first met, Gus was always the one initiating conversation beyond the case. He was the one who made it abundantly clear that he was interested in Rusty. Even when they first got together, Gus was the one who would take initiative and suggest things to do, places to go, where their relationship was going. At first, he thought that Rusty wasn’t trying because he wasn’t interested in Gus as much as he may have thought he was, but, now, Gus sees that Rusty was scared. And he’d been going through all that fear alone. He constantly battled with the thoughts in his head. Alone. He dealt with memories of his past haunting him. Alone. He felt as if he was wasn’t worthy of Gus’ love. Alone. He never knew what it meant to be in a real and loving relationship before and that made all his other fears seem even worse. And Gus had led him to think that he was the only one in their relationship who had no romantic experience.

Gus sighed, loudly. Perhaps a bit louder than he thought because he hears Rusty chuckle on the other side of his front door.

“Did I get here at a bad time?” he hears Rusty say.

He jumps up off the couch and walks towards the door.

“No,” he responds as he opens it, “Just a bit tired.”

Rusty nods and smiles at him. Even with all his nerves, Gus can’t help but smile back. He’s so in love with Rusty he can’t even believe it sometimes. Rusty goes up on his tip toes and kisses Gus. It starts chaste and sweet but becomes something more slow and raw as Rusty cups his hand around Gus’ jaw and Gus’ hand moves to rest on Rusty’s hip. It goes on for longer than a ‘hello’ kiss should, but neither of them are complaining. Gus almost tries to slip his tongue into Rusty’s mouth before remembering that he needs to talk to him. He pulls back slowly, face turning red as the sound of their lips smacking apart enters his ears. Rusty’s face is red, too, and his eyes are open wide. He coughs out a rough laugh as he rubs the back of his neck.

“Well, we definitely can’t do that at my place,” he says.

“I need to talk to you,” Gus declares suddenly.

He almost wants to hit himself for being so abrupt, but he probably wouldn’t have said anything at all if he hadn’t been. Rusty looks a little confused at first but then nods in understanding.

“Is this about what you wanted to tell me the other day?” he asks.

“Yeah,” Gus responds, “Um, we should probably sit down,” he adds, closing the door and gesturing to the couch. Rusty nods and takes a seat on the right side, Gus choosing to sit towards the middle, not too far from Rusty but not too close either.

“So, what’s u-...”

“I lied to you.”

The silence in the room is deafening. Apparently, today, Gus only knows how to blurt out the first thought that pops into his head. He hangs his head and waits for Rusty to say something. When he doesn’t, he looks out of the corner of his eye to see Rusty looking away from him, staring at the wall. It’s then that Rusty does speak, his voice low and lacking any emotion.

“What do you mean you lied to me, Gus?”

“You don’t sound angry.” Gus muses.

Rusty sighs and rubs his face with his hand.

“Do you want me to sound angry, Gus?” Rusty asks.

Gus shakes his head, but Rusty continues.

“I don’t want to get angry, okay? Because I really want to believe that whatever you have to tell me is not as bad as I’m thinking it is. After what we’ve said about trust and honesty and after I told you everything, I really want to believe that you are not about to break my heart.”

His voice breaks slightly at the end and Gus immediately speaks up.

“No, I’m glad you’re not angry. I mean, I guess you have every right to be because I left my statement pretty open-ended. I’m just surprised that you aren’t, to be honest. Ugh, I’m sorry, I’m an idiot who can’t speak properly today.”

He takes a second to compose himself, while Rusty just looks at him, his expression unreadable.

“Okay,” Gus begins again, “Do you remember when we first got together at the LAPD Holiday party?”

When Rusty nods, he continues.

“So, before then, I thought that you were sort of leading me on, you know? Some days, you would flirt with me, but, if I tried to ask you out, you would run away before I could. I thought we had a connection, but I could never be sure because you never let me. But, I know now how gross that thought process was. You didn’t and don’t owe me anything and I’m sorry that I ever even thought stuff like that. And then, at the party, you admitted that you didn’t know how to date anyone. So, I just assumed that that was why you didn’t want to officially date me, even though it was pretty clear that you liked me. You had no experience. And I wanted you to feel more comfortable, so I told you all that stuff about how nobody really likes dating. I thought, I don’t know, that would make you feel better about dating. Nobody likes it but we do it anyway. But, I lied to you because I have absolutely no idea if that statement is true or not.”

Rusty looks pensive and hesitant as he seems to be taking all of that in.

“What do you mean you don’t know if that’s true?” he asks.

“I never dated anyone before you,” Gus admits, “I mean, I’d had some casual dates here and there and hookups, but I’d never actually been in a romantic relationship. But, I was afraid that, if I told you that, you would still find dating to be this scary thing and you wouldn’t have taken the chance and agreed to go out with me. And, god, even saying that out loud makes me sound so fucking shitty. I wanted you to believe that I was this confident guy who knew what he was talking about and would help you learn how to date, if that makes any sense. I was pretty sure that you liked me, too, but I didn’t want to lose you because you thought you didn’t have enough experience with dating to date.”

He takes a deep breath and hopes that he hasn’t just ruined everything. He looks over at Rusty who looks conflicted.

“Gus,” he begins, “I did like you back then, a lot, and, yeah, part of why I wouldn’t acknowledge it or talk to you about it was because I was afraid of dating someone, but that wasn’t the only reason. We were working together at the time and it didn’t seem like a good idea to be romantically involved. I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to do with my life at that point and I wanted to focus on that before I got into a relationship. And, it wasn’t just that I was afraid of dating, it was that I was afraid of being intimate, emotionally or physically, with another person, in any context. But, it felt so easy to be around you and, I guess, I was afraid of that. I was afraid that I would let myself get too comfortable around you, that I would tell you too much, and, then, you would get weirded out and leave. I even told you that after I told you about the dating thing.”

Gus nods. “I know, I remember that. I guess I just liked you so much that I couldn’t imagine why anyone else wouldn’t. Or why you thought anyone else wouldn’t. I still feel that way, but I also understand more about why you felt that way. I know now that your mind is really mean to you sometimes and it makes you think things that aren’t true. I didn’t know that then. All I knew was that I liked you and you liked me and the only thing that seemed to be stopping us was your fear of dating. So, I tried to act like I knew a lot about dating to alleviate your fears.”

“Gus…” Rusty begins.

“Wait, hold on,” Gus says, “I know now that that was an awful thing for me to do. I literally started off our relationship with lies. And, even after everything we’ve talked about, how open we’ve been with each other, I still hadn’t been honest with you. You told me everything and that was really fucking brave and I couldn’t even tell you that I basically lied to you because I thought it would make you agree to go out with me. And I am so so sorry, Rusty.”

Rusty moves closer to Gus on the couch and puts his hand on Gus’ thigh.

“Gus, I’m not going to lie. I am upset with you. I’m upset that you didn’t tell me sooner. I’m upset that you lied in the first place. But, I wasn’t exactly innocent in all of this. I did send you a lot of mixed messages because I was scared and confused but also wanted to be with you. And, I get that you only wanted to help and make me feel better, but you don’t need to do that. I seriously wish we could’ve had an honest and open conversation like this at the party, but we didn’t because we weren’t the same people then that we are now. You were a good guy, then, but you’re an even better guy now. And I’d like to think that I’m a better person, too.”

Gus nods and puts his hand on top of Rusty’s where it still rests on his thigh.

“You told me the truth, Gus, though later then I would have liked, and you apologized. You’ve always been good to me and I hope that I’ve been good to you, too. Our relationship has only gotten stronger as we started being more honest with each other and I don’t want to lose this any time soon. You’re growing as a person more every day and I hope I am, too, and I want to be by your side as we continue to grow. Together.”

Rusty finishes with a small squeeze to Gus’ thigh and looks at him with a watery smile. Gus reciprocates with a small smile of his own.

“So, we’re going to be okay?” he asks quietly, a single tear running down his face. Rusty wipes it away with the pad of his thumb.

“Of course.”


End file.
